Purpose with peace

                     The older one is leaning over the younger, teaching her letters and numbers……feeling so helpful and important. She is being so patient and understanding and I feel a pang of remorse that I do not sound like that more often.  There is also this, this understanding of how they both feel. The oldest needing this moment of being needed, the younger passively accepting the “help”.  There is the familiar voice that I now realize I have lived with most of my days, a voice of shame. A voice that drives me to feverish busyness and at the same time shuts me down to an almost comatose state. This state Kathleen Norris and monks of old called acedia.  Not quite depression, but acedia is defined as a state of restlessness and an inability to either work or pray. When this comes upon me I feel desperation to do meaningful work, to make a difference, to give back not just take, and simultaneously all that I do seems pointless. It has been done better by someone else; it will just have to be done again tomorrow.  Often this leads me to taking on commitments and becoming busy to assuage a vague feeling of guilt and in reality accomplishing very little of real worth. There is a better way, a way to walk in peace and purpose.  For me it has involved several steps, and it is a continual process I have to circle back to.

1.       Give thanks. For everything, be specific.

2.       Live in the moment, not the big picture. We do not know the big picture, all we have is this moment and He is the only One who sees where all this is headed.

3.       Do the thing in front of me: laundry, dishes, change a diaper, read a book to an unhappy child.

4.      Do something creative. Even as simple as baking a new dessert, writing down thoughts, read a good book, go for a walk.

5.       Do something for someone else: make a call, write a letter, bring a meal.

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty,
my memory, my understanding and my whole will.
All that I am and all that I possess You have given me.
I surrender it all to You
to be disposed of according to Your will.
Give me only Your love and Your grace;
with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more.

~St. Ignatius of Loyola