Each year our pastor encourages the church to pray about a word for the year, a lens to see the coming year through and possibly a new way of seeing God. Early in December I knew my word would be hope. Walter Brueggeman said real hope only comes after despair, and I am starting to realize that in my own life.
This last year was one of a dark, creeping despair. It was not overt but like a thought in the back of my mind, like a shadow waiting for you in every room. I tried to distance myself from it through running, vitamin D, scripture memory, prayer and I would seem to get a little space only to slow down and and sense its presence again. Sometimes it was near, just a shadow and sometimes it was oppressive, suffocating and I felt I would do anything to get escape it. Looking back I think it was mostly post-partum depression, but it was also a hyper awareness. I felt the reality of the horror of this life...how anything horrible can happen to anyone at anytime and how does anyone get out of bed in the morning or love or function? It all felt so random and I felt helpless to stop it.
There were also some beautiful truths I gleaned during this time that I will never forget. The first and most important is that I'm a mess and God is not surprised by this or disappointed, actually I felt His amusement that I was just figuring this out. The other is He is sovereign. I don't get it fully but when that truth hit me it felt like a rope thrown down in my dark hole, a life line , a ray of light. It didn't make me angry...like how could He allow all of this horror.....it made me feel secure. Yes, there is suffering but it is not random. That rising up in me against the darkness is Him in me...I hate it because He hates it. But He, unlike me, is not powerless against it. And it will not continue unchecked forever. It is His very kindness that is longing for His children that keeps Him from simply wiping it all out. Justice will roll like the mighty waters, and somehow like Paul says in Romans the end result of suffering can be hope. Hope that there is a brighter day coming, that this is not all there is, that we are beloved and we have an inheritance that is imperishable.
These were all crucial truths for me to absorb before our personal crisis hit. When we found out that Jonny had cancer it felt like a trap door opening and we were falling into the darkness. Yet almost immediately He showed up, breaking the fall, shining a light. From the people that prayed with us that first night to a call Friday afternoon letting us know the CT scan and x ray were good. To the Trinidad lady at the colonoscopy that wrapped me up in her arms and praised Jesus and called out for blessing over us, to the radiologist who loves Jesus and knows many people we do. And it goes on....the prayers, money, food, cards, calls. I have not once felt abandoned by Him and strangely enough my old friend despair has not come around. He truly has given me a hope that does not disappoint. Its not a hope that Jonny will get better and we will make lots of money and be very happy until the end. Its a rock hard assurance that He is all we need and we will never lose Him. John Piper said that at some point in your life you will be separated from everything that you love....people, health, money...until death separates us from everything but God. Through this loss and burning away you have a choice to live in denial, sink into morbid despair or allow what you love most to be transformed.
