In the Night

     Sometimes there are truths that are clear and make perfect sense in the broad light of day. We enthusiastically believe when our future looks bright, the sun is shining, our hopes and dreams are moving towards fulfillment. I can fully understand that God is all powerful, that He's good, that He has good plans for my life and that He is moving the world closer to redemption. However, when the dark descends and deepens, doubts and questions begin to rise.
       
   An encouragement to me in the questioning is that my darkness as well as my questions are not unique. Darkness has been the experience of Christians throughout the ages starting with the very first, original Christ-follower. John the Baptist was not only Jesus' cousin but his calling and occupation was to know who the Messiah was and point Him out to others, to prepare the way. So it brings me a strange sort of comfort to hear him asking "are you really the One or should we look for another?" What has changed? What has shaken the confidence of the man who wandered about in the wilderness eating locusts and honey and who recognized and baptized the very Son of God? Prison is what changed. Darkness descended, life depending on the caprice of an insecure king. Who are you anyway? Is any of this really true? Should we be on the look out for someone else? Someone maybe a little more predictable, secure, safe???  
         
Even more comforting than John's questions is Jesus' response. No criticism, no hurt feelings that His biggest fan, His own cousin was questioning, was doubting. This is what was sent back to John locked in the darkness
     
" the blind receive sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me"
     
       Jesus goes on to praise and confirm the calling and personhood of John. He does not give him a spiritually abstract answer, He does not quote prophets, He does not berate his lack of faith. He gives concrete evidence and He states that among those born of women there is no one greater than John the Baptist.
   
  So I am wrestling, questioning. I'm not ok with whats happening to Jonny's body, to our family, to our future.  I believe that joy always comes in the morning and I believe there will be a morning. But how long will this night last and how dark will it get before the sky starts to lighten? Will we make it through this? And who are you Jesus in this? I'm angry at times at Him, but I'm also in love with Him. I cant help it. I don't know how long or dark this is going to be, I don't even know where He is in it most of the time. But I believe Him when He says we are blessed when we are not offended by Him....when we stay close with our questions instead of stuffing them deep and taking them somewhere else. So there is very little that we know, but I have tasted and seen enough to hang tight to the One who makes blind eyes to see, deaf ears to hear, lame legs to dance and dead bodies to breathe.
           

He is always the Lord

  

          We just got back from doctors appointments and I wanted to send out a quick update. Everything is healing good....Jonny's been running fevers at night so they put him on a antibiotic to hold off an infection. 

    The surgeon took out 25 lymph nodes during surgery and 6 came back showing cancer. The ones with cancer were the ones closest to the tumor and the rest were clear. So he will definitely need 5 months of chemo to make sure that anything microscopic floating around is cleared out. 

 Jonny is in good spirits, still uncomfortable and having pain but able to take it a day at a time. The kids were unimpressed by his "poop bag".....a little after we had showed them Jack came up to Jonny and asked to see his "coffee" b/c Jonny had told him thats where what he eats goes. I guess Jack figured coffee is one of the main things he sees going into Jonny's mouth:)

  

 I wanted to put in a quote I read last night by a guy named Fenelon, a 17th century archbishop in France. This will be long so feel free to skip or skim. I keep wanting to be told that everything is going to be ok...we are out of the woods.....its smooth sailing from here ....and I'm never satisfied. Over and again I am forced back onto the fact our only foundation is Jesus, our only surety, our only hope.

"the crosses we make for ourselves by over anxiety about the future are not heaven-sent crosses. We tempt God by our false wisdom, seeking to forstall His arrangements, and struggling to supplement His providence by our own provisions. The fruit of our wisdom is always bitter. .....the future is not ours.....we may never have a future, or, if it comes, it may be completely different from all we foresaw. Let us shut our eyes to what God hides from us in the hidden depths of His wisdom. Let us worship without seeing. Let us be silent and lie still. The crosses actually laid on us always bring their own special grace and consequent comfort with them...but the crosses brought about by anxious foreboding are altogether beyond God's appointments.

        What are we that we should ask Him, 'why are you doing this'? It is the Lord, and that is enough. It is the Lord:let Him do as seems good to Him. Let Him lift up or cast down. Let Him wound or heal. Let Him smite or smooth. Let Him give life or death, He is always the Lord"

On separate occasions Jonny and I both had an experience with the Lord this week. Jonny will have to tell his but mine happened this morning. I was running (well, very slow jogging) with the sun hitting my face and I felt Him whisper "my favor rests on you". As sure as the sun, no matter if its hidden or not, His favor is on me....and I knew thats all I need to know. I need no other assurance, no other promise than this. I am weary and weak and faithless and full of fear but I am hid in His beloved Son and He is pleased with me. He is tireless, all powerful, faithful and full of joy and I am safe in Him no matter what blows around us. It is His desire that His children walk boldly in this knowledge. He is always the Lord and that is enough.

Ash Wednesday

           So time is moving forward and tomorrow is the big day. Ash Wednesday, a day set aside to mourn our brokeness and to recognize our neediness. Setting in motion the steps that lead us to calvary and the miracle of life bursting out of death. Tomorrow is also the day Jonny undergoes surgery, a cutting away of diseased flesh to make room for healing. Over and again we have been made aware through this season that true healing and life can only come after the grief and the death.
       This is what we are longing for. We desire this in a very physical sense....that the pain and suffering after this surgery would lead to renewal and healing. We have also been longing that this suffering would not be wasted in us or through us. We want to be changed: for the old diseased self of fear, selfishness, anger, and all the manifestations of lack of love in our lives would be cut away making room for peace, long suffering and a muscular love that does not originate in ourselves.
     

   Not only is there mourning but there is a profound thankfulness awakening in me. Thankfulness for the doctors, the skill, the medicines, that make healing a real possibility. And thankfulness for a day like Ash Wednesday that promises whatever dies will live again when it is redeemed by a risen Savior.
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 I'm also grateful for a peaceful weekend with us all cozy at home as a family. We had talked of taking the kids away for the weekend but we decided the money would be better spent on a big lego set  and while we were at it we thought we might as well get some chicks