Detachment

There has been a growing awareness in me for a quality that I do not possess. I could never name it, just describe the effects of it: peace, acceptance, joy despite uncertainty and trials. And I recognized it in other people, some I knew well...some I merely brush up against in books. Reading Kathleen Norris this rainy afternoon I came across the word that was missing from my vocabulary and from the experience of my soul. She introduces the word detachment as not being the word we have grown accustomed to in our society: someone who has selfishly removed themselves from the people and life around them. The monks interpretation of this word could not be more different. "It means not allowing either wordly values or self-centerdness to distract us from what is most essential in our relationship with God, and with each other." A 6th century monk , Dorotheus of Gaza says that detachment is "being free from wanting certain things to happen" and trusting God in such a way that "what is happening will be the thing you want and you will be at peace with all."
      Over last summer while I was pregnant with Jack I began to search out books about midwives and their stories. One in particular began to show me this lack in my life. It was a true story of a midwife that went to live among the Amish and how their lives so impacted her own. There would be great tragedy, like the death of a baby or a husband, and while there would be grief there would also be an almost irritating passivity. Questions were not hurled to the heavens, there was not bitterness or wrath. Merely sadness mingled with a peace that was born out of acceptance. What will be will be. This grated against my American, need to be in control, need to understand mind. Yet I was strangely drawn to it.

Over the last few months the Lord has shown me Psalm 131, its beautiful, sweet imagery of a weaned child resting on his mothers lap not asking great questions, just being, spoke to me and brought me peace. I could relate to this picture, I like it, it was very sweet and made me think warm thoughts about God. This was until last Saturday and things were not going my way. A trip I had been planning feel through, my husband was not doing what I wanted him to do, neither were my kids. Heck, my whole life has been like this...never getting to do what I wanted to do! Wisely, my husband sent me packing. I ended up in a secluded woods, back against tree, my Bible opened in front of me. And God showed up. He really did and it was not comfortable or sweet. He showed me those last chapters in Job, which basically can be summed up as " who do you think you are??" Do you really think that life should go your way? That you should be in control of it? No more pictures of a sweet infant on his mothers lap, in the words of my sister I was a defiant 2 year old and needed to be reminded of my place. And just like children are relieved with boundaries, animals rest when they know their fence line, I felt a huge burden lifted when He confronted me. I can control nothing, not even my own little life, but that's ok because He can and He does a much better job. And I want to grow in this discipline of detachment, of accepting whatever happens because it all comes from Him and He is the giver of all good gifts (James 1). One of the main qualities needed for this is humility: I know I am but dust and I will not speak evil of my Maker.