" You are legalistic" Those were the words spoken by my husband this morning and they have echoed in my mind and bounced around the walls of my heart all day. At first the reaction was denial....." That cant be....I know I can't earn His love, I know I can never achieve perfection on my own" Yet why do I try so hard to? There seems to be some kind of disconnect from my head to my heart...I know so much ..I do and live so little. I long to walk in freedom and grace and offer that to others, yet I am so tightly wound, trying to hard to hold it all together, afraid to drop one ball only to watch the whole show come pounding down around my ears. And is this not what I'm offering those closest to me as I view them as extensions of me. If my husband and children are not holding it all together, then their mess becomes mine. This results in harshness, anger , frustration, ending in guilt and remorse.
All Jesus gives me is a wide place "I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy; I came that hey might have life and might have it more abundantly" John 10: 10-11
"From my distress I called upon the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me in a large place" Psalm 118:5
He does not micromanage and dictate my life but He invites me to freedom and true life, a life found only in Him, only when I walk through Him as a door. And the only way I can fit through the door is to leave all my efforts and idols and SELF. So yes, I am a recovering legalistic Pharisee. I often leave that wide space and lock myself back in my cell and insist that everyone join me.....and its only when I realize He is the one with the key and He has forever freed me and He is pleased with me and He delights in me, that my heart sighs with relief. My stomach unclenches, He brings the life and He will bring that life to others as it spills out of my own freedom, not my striving.
No comments:
Post a Comment